That Time I Got High (Mountain Climbing)

A whole month and a half later, I realized it might just be “high” time (get it? nyuk nyuk) to recount my experiences in beautiful Colorado last month!

(Cue the hackneyed jokes: “That John Denver is full of shit, man.”)

To be concise, I’ll say this: A lot happened. So I’ll focus on my greatest adventure:

MY FIRST MOUNTAIN HIKE.
(Well, first in 16 years. So basically first.)

We were planning to hike part of a mountain adjacent to Pike’s Peak, but there were “dangerous trees” falling down, or blood-crazed bears (or something), that closed down our intended trail. So we whipped out our phones, looked up the nearest mountain and went for it.

“We” decided to do an advanced trail. I didn’t think that’d be the best considering we weren’t acclimated to the altitude (or I wasn’t), but that’s what happened. To be sure, I did want those picturesque, panoramic views…so I went along for the ride grueling climb.

What started as me leading the pack ended with me trailing behind, winded, heart pounding, legs wobbling, and bile rising with each additional foot of altitude. This advanced trail required us to get on all fours at some points. It was also incredibly steep. 

Now, hear me out: I consider myself a relatively fit person. I strive to work out 4-5 times a week. HOWEVER, if you can’t acclimate to altitude, throw it all out the window. It doesn’t matter how fit you are at sea level when you’re 8k feet high. I could NOT get enough air. 

This was the progression of my altitude sickness on the hike:

1. Denial: “Whew, I feel it! This will be tough. I’ll get over it!”
   
   
2. Struggle: (winded) “This isn’t getting any easier. In fact, this is DAMN hard.”
   
   
3. Persuasion: (Barely breathing) “Hey, guys. Why …are we…going so…fast? Can we stop a sec?”
   
   
4. Demands: “GUYS. STOP. STAHHHHHP!!!” (+ inability to get out more than monosyllabic words.)
   
   
5. Suffocation: (Can’t even speak) (nearly vomits)
   
   
6. Explosive diarrhea. ‘Nuf said.

Me.

Thankfully the sixth stage didn’t happen until I got to the top of the mountain. The rigors of the hike caught up with me (we went SUPER fast up steep hills). Instead of enjoying the glorious views, I squeezed my butt cheeks together and scarfed down water and trail mix for energy. Also gulped tons of air.

Thankfully I had a handy selfie stick and captured some awesome views anyway. I’d probably never get an experience like this if I had to be self-motivated, so it’s truly a once-in-a-lifetime thing for me.

Beautous nature

All smiles

How I really felt

The climb down the summit was MUCH nicer. I could feel the breeze ruffling my hair, soak in the gorgeous weather, listen to the babbling brooks, stop to grab flowers…

BUT, the one downside? The gravel + the steep drops. This caused Harry to “eat it” a few times. I LOL’d but helped him up like a good wife. That’s when karma proved a very real thing.

I was going down the trail while other hikers were going up, a man and a child. “Shit, shit, shit!” I shouted. I slipped while attempting to get out of their way—and fell on my ass, sliding down the path like it was a waterslide, and tumbled onto the mountainside.

Now, I wasn’t in a precarious position where I’d fall to my death or anything. There were branches and shrubs that made it less slippery. I WAS hanging off the side, however, with my white knuckles gripping the path. The little boy that I tried to avoid bumping into on my way down ended up rushing to my side.

“Here, grab my hand!” he shouted.

I did grab his hand, and Jonathan’s, who for some reason was the only other person who rushed to my aid.

(Good job, hubs.)

(I think he and Regan were laughing at me.)

(#karma)

Kind of like nearly falling into the pit of Mt. Doom

I shakily stood up and brushed the dirt off my pants. “Thanks,” I told the kid, as if he did something minor like hold the door open for me. His chest puffed out proudly, however, and I heard him tell his adult companion, “I saved her life!!”

Glad to see my embarrassment helped an awkward prepubescent kid gain some confidence. Now that’s sacrifice.

Anyway, I finished drenched in sweat, tired AF, out of breath, and that’s what she said. 

I needed a "Sam" of my own

Climbing a mountain was torturous on the way up, but if I could do it regularly, I think it would be an awesome way to stay in shape. It’s cool seeing your progress as you ascend to the summit. It was also exhilarating getting to go to the bathroom on the side of the mountain path, behind a rock, while other hikers walked by totally unaware that I was pants-less. Come and get it, boys.

(Peeing on my shoes because I'm not good at outdoor peeing? Not so cool.)

Overall, though…fantastic way to stay in shape and to appreciate the breathtaking mountain scenery of Colorado. Too bad I sucked at it. Go climb a mountain sometime, y'all.


**Note: none of these images/gifs are mine, and I claim no ownership of them. Don't hurt me, people of the Internet!