My Cat from Hell

Stimpson J. Cat, the most reckless of kitties

Don't let his precious face fool you--this is the face of a stinker, a serial destroyer of worlds.

I swear I could write a book on the cat-astrophes that Stimpy causes. It would be the feline version of Marley and Me.

This very morning, for example, this asshole decided to jump in the pantry and knock bottles of Tamari soy sauce and sesame oil off of the shelf. The first bottle shattered and soy sauce flooded our utility room. Then he somehow managed to gnaw the cap off of the sesame oil, and I STILL don't know where it is.

Stimpy being Stimpy, he decided to jump in the puddle and soak his paws. He then sprung onto the counter tops and ran around the house. So yeah, paw prints were EVERYWHERE.

The last thing I wanted to do while half-asleep at 7 a.m. was to clean up this mess. BP's oil spill had nothing on this.

To add insult to injury, Stimpy decided to supervise while we slaved away to restore order to our kitchen. When that got boring, he thought he'd kick back and chew on our television cords. (!!!!!!!!)

(I joked about burning the house down after finding an oriental cockroach in it, but shit got too real when he pulled that stunt.)

Not gonna lie, Hairy and I are pretty beside ourselves. Ever since we moved Stimpy has been acting anxious and mischievous. I'm going to try to remind myself of better days long past to calm myself down.

People say dogs help them stay in shape. But I bet they can't "cat" in yoga like Stimpy can. (He's lacking when it comes to cow, though.)

Wake up and feed me, hooman.

Occasionally Stimpy will rally Twinkie to be an a-hole too. This pic is from when they decided to stare me down in hopes of feeding them. I call it their gangster rap album cover.

Did you know Stimpy is an aspiring traveler too?

He sucks sometimes, but I'm stuck with him. At least he looks dapper AF in a bow tie.

What annoying things do your pets do? Anyone want to start a support group for parents of bad kitties?