Why I'm an Unhappy Camper

First impressions make all the difference, and unfortunately for me, "roughing it" is...well, rough.

I recently spotted some gorgeous pictures on Facebook from my friends' camping trip in Michigan. It nearly made me rethink camping, until I remembered my experience.

1. Going camping is about "getting away from it all"--if you're lucky. Unfortunately, when we went up to our campsite in Tahlequah, we were too close to it all. By that I mean each campsite had an allotted space--a tight amount of space--and we could see the other campers just a few feet away.
   
   Dude, I don't want to hear other campers' drunken fireside conversations. Away with human beings, bring on the critters! (Ish. I'll get to that later.)
   
2. Where you set up your tent will determine the rest of your trip. Again, we had a small camp space. That left us nearly no option as to where we should set up our tent. SO, that meant that I slept on a tree root on all night. And by slept, I mean "slept"--I did not catch any Z's on such an uncomfortable spot. I tossed, turned, and thought about using a Swiss knife to saw off the root. That would've at least been a more productive use of my sleepless night.
   
   The next day I was a zombie, so that made the day significantly less fun.
   
   
3. Damn raccoons. I almost went into cardiac arrest when a critter--I'm guessing a raccoon--brushed against the tent at night. I needed to unzip the tent and piss but holy crap, that left my backside at the mercy of a raccoon infuriated that humans were infringing on its terrain!
   
   I risked life, limb and a UTI thanks to this raccoon asserting its presence.
   
   
4. Brain-eating amoebas are scary AF. We took a dip in the nearby stream, but I couldn't help but worry a splash got in my nostril. While I didn't suffer this crazy fate, the stream was probably responsible for item 5...
5. The next day I had a full-body rash. I also got some weird-ass virus. God only knows what I had a reaction to. 

But hey, everything happens for a reason. That first camping trip helped me learn something valuable about myself: I'm a Marriott girl. 

Or maybe a cabin with a toilet is a happy medium.

Awkward Moment #578

Let me clear something up from the get-go: I’m not intimidated by successful women. Rather, I’m intimidated by people who have the power to not just fire me, but eliminate my department. So upper-level execs tend to terrify me.

This is essential background information to my awkward moment of the day. So, we have a new Chief Marketing Officer. She is very upbeat, human, and generally not terrifying at all. But at the same time, I cannot for the life of me have a normal encounter with her.

We were both in the bathroom one day and emerged from the stalls at the same time. We washed our hands side by side. I have this strange mental block when it comes to talking in the bathroom, so when she asked how I was, I probably came across as a cold bitch with my short responses. (And let’s be real, it’s disarming to talk with an executive after doing ya biz, amiright?)

And just last week, she had a meeting with the Marketing department complete with a celebration of our accomplishments and…cake balls! Now that’s nice. I wanted to tell her so.

That’s why when she was walking past my cubicle…at the same time I was leaving it…and we almost COLLIDED, the following exchange went down:

CMO, laughing good-naturedly: “Oh, I’m sorry!”

Me, laughing nervously: “Haww…THANKS FOR THE CAKE BALLS!”

I even did an awkward pointing hand motion, like “HEYYY.” (I’m reenacting this in my chair, and I don’t know how to describe it, but you’ll have to ask me for it sometime.)

God, any normal person would say, “Excuse me,” or “Sorry about that.” Instead I laughed like a dork and said THANKS FOR THE CAKE BALLS while pointing and guffawing.

The worst part? The same collision happened the next day, and I shouted from around the corner, “We just always bump into each other!”

She managed a small smile.

…I’m totally gonna be fired.