5 Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

As the queen of awkwardness, it’s hard to narrow down the situations that make me most uncomfortable. But I saw this topic on TheLady Okie’s blog and the result was too hilarious. On that note, I have to steal a couple of her answers because she speaks the gospel. So…sorry for the lack of originality.

1. Hugging
   
   I’m sure Freud would have a field day psychoanalyzing me on this one. I guess I never grew up in a super “huggy” family; our love language is taking tequila shots together (seriously). I’m also not from the South. So when I came to Texas, I was more than a little bewildered.

I lack practice and I’m also stiff. People think I hate them, but really, I avoid hugs so people don’t know I’m the world’s worst hugger. And you know what? Texas isn’t a very friendly society to non-huggers. I’ve been called out and harassed by crunchy yoga teachers who don’t let you leave the class without a hug. WHY hug while we’re drenched in sweat from hot yoga?

But that’s another story.

Bottom line: People, it ain’t you, it’s me. I'll still hug you if you initiate...but I’ll probably hide so I don’t have to. Compromise: I propose we show our love by taking tequila shots or making fun of people together.

2. Knowing when to say hi

This is the most Seinfeld thing about me. Don’t you hate running into an acquaintance and wondering if you should say hi, simply grin, or give a half-assed half-smile? I usually avoid the situation altogether and whip out my cell phone. “Oh, sorry, something SUPER engrossing just appeared on my news feed. Tooootally didn’t notice you.”

I also don’t know if I should say hi to the receptionists or not at work. When I started, I made a habit of saying hi on my way in. But then some mornings I felt antisocial. I couldn’t just STOP, could I? Not after saying hi every morning for the past 50 days!  Solution? I decided to take another entrance to work.

3. Going to parties where I know no one/have to meet people the first time
   
   Small talk ain’t my strong suit. I always want to rush intimacy. My catch phrase when I’m drunk is, “Hi, I’m Ashley and I want to know your deepest darkest secret.” So yeah, that doesn’t always go over well. I try to stumble through “normal” conversations…but usually (always) fail miserably.
   
   At a work party for one of our new web developers, I went up to her and said, “Tell me 5 fun facts about you.” Kind of intense, right? She thought so!
   
   So, please, don’t leave me alone at a party where I have to get to know someone. It’s hella fail.
   
   
4. Sickness.

Don’t ever tell me you “feel like you’re getting sick.” Wait—I take that back. Do tell me so I can shun you.

I’m a germaphobe and a hypochondriac. I WILL die from the flu; it’s a matter of time. (To be fair, I have an autoimmune disease and shit can escalate quickly.) But I’m still kind of psycho about it.

5. Telephones
   
   

Don’t you love being unable to take physical cues while constantly interrupting one another? That’s all I experience on the telly. And I sound like Ben Stein, so I can’t ever convey my true emotions. I rely on my face for that. BUT YOU CAN’T SEE WHILE WE’RE ON THE PHONE. D’oh.

Even worse is when someone calls me unexpectedly. I HAVE TO PLAN WHAT I’M GOING TO SAY, DARN IT. I’ve totally written a script for phone calls with clients before. Don’t judge.

Now that you think I’m pathetic, let’s get on equal ground here. What 5 things make YOU uncomfortable? (Tell me omg I feel so vulnerable now.)

Sloppy Seconds

I have a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Unfortunately, this gets me in a pickle during work hours. As my coworker once said, "You're a walking HR violation."

Then there was the time I learned the valuable lesson not to use idioms you don't understand. I learned this the hard way on Diwali, when my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I got two plates full of curry and unnamables.

My boss walked into the conference room as we all finished up our food. I extended the plate to him and said, in a dead-serious tone, without a hint of a smile on my face: "Would you like my sloppy seconds?"

His eyes became as big as the paper plate. It got deafeningly silent.

My coworker later educated me.

"You mean that's *exclusively* a dirty term??" I cried.

"Yeah. How do you not know this? You're 25."

I spent the rest of the month--seriously, a month--deliberating if I should go into my boss's office and apologize posthumously for what turned out to be a horrible comment. But my friends counseled me and helped me see the light: Just pretend it never happened!

Ah, and then there was that time my coworker and I exited an important meeting that our CEO hosted.

"There's an hour of my life I'll never get back," said my coworker, stretching and yawning.

"Yeah, I didn't pay any attention," I replied. "Except maybe during one part. Kind of. No."

Lo and behold, guess who was standing right behind us when we said that. Yup, you guessed it. Do I really need to spell it out for you?

Thankfully we were not fired, and our plans to start our own company did not come to fruition.

The unfortunate part of this whole story? I have many more troubling tales just like this.

Since I feel my PTSD coming on, maybe that's a blog post for another day.

V is for...

I can’t turn my abnormal brain off sometimes. And by that I mean all the time, in all situations.

Today I was trying to use a Groupon and the lady asked me to give the Groupon code. Okay, that’s simple, right?? Except she asked me to use a full word for each letter.

So J as in Jane, G as in garden, etcetera, etcetera. A fun little game, if you think about it. Easy. 

But me? I stumbled through this as if I were climbing a mountain wrought with land mines.

“V as in…as in…”

Vagina. Vagina! screamed my pesky inner voice. Except I didn’t want the lady to think I had Tourette’s. 

“Vuh…vuh…vagin…virgin…virginia!” (This took place over the course of a good 15 seconds.)

“W as in…” (Wunderbar? Weenis?)

“W as in W,” I said. Because you can’t mistake W for any other word. Duh.

“P as in…” Pee pee.  “P-Peter.”

So if there was ever any question before, I just might have Tourette’s. Except not really, because I understand it’s a horrible condition impacting your every day.

Then again, that just might prove my case.